You Can MANAGE Traffic?

Okay, I just want to clear something up regarding the traffic situation in my country of Mulgravnia: we like it how it is. See, in my country, it is every man for himself, and every woman, and especially every child because otherwise they will grow up weak. Someone blocks you into your parking space? You call your friends and family, smash the window with a crowbar, hotwire the car and send it careening down a hill. Problem solved. Person comes back, their car is smashed at the bottom of a hill, they plot revenge, and everyone is stronger as a result. We are a strong people!

I’m not saying that using car park designers and consultants makes you weak, as such. I don’t really want to admit it, but I quite like parking somewhere and knowing there’s a 99% chance that you’re going to be getting out. Or driving to a place and knowing that you’ll get there anywhere between 21-23 minutes depending on whether you make it through a red light, as opposed to somewhere in the realm of 2-6 hours and oh gosh it’s horrible in my home country.

I can’t pretend anymore, especially when I’ve now lived in Australia for all of two weeks. This place has traffic planning consultants and car parks that don’t take you round and round in an endless spiral. Sometimes I’ve seen my fuel gauge getting low and realised that I could be there forever, and I’ve started deciding which of my legs is my least favourite so I can designate one for snacking to stave off death by hunger. It’s that bad.

You’ll be driving in my country, and someone will wrong you. You wrong them right back, probably leaving you without motor vehicles because they’re both trashed. This destructive ‘eye-for-an-eye’ principle extends to the whole industry, so now our roads and designed by spiteful committees wanting to make enemies miserable. The notion of traffic management plan providers is nonexistent.

Unless they clear things up, I’m staying here in Melbourne, where honking and rude hand gestures is as bad as it gets.

-Chovsky